I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
