I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I AM VODKA MAN
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
