Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Shitshow foam night was such a success
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
You are the jesus of drinking
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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