I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
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