tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
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