the day after is always just damage control
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
