I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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