remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize