Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
