Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
