I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
