I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Randomize
