ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
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