we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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