Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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