You're a womanizer and a bitch.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
