I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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