sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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