Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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