it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
