he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
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