Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Randomize
