She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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