why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
SEEEEXXX PLEASE
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
