i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
