hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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