are you still at the devil's house?
god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
God I need to hump something, right now.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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