He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
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