"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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