Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
