tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize