Swine flu. Run for my life!
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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