I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
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