Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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