He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
