i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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