Jerry, you need to find god
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
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