oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
we're so committed to being not committed
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
