he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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