so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
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