I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
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