I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
