I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Randomize