Ambien. No doubt about it.
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
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