sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Randomize
