I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
