A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
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