All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize