I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Randomize
