I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
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