So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
chicago's viagra triangle is not unlike the bermuda triangle in thatt things just get lost...... planes, ships, dignity, virginity, etc.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
