I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Randomize
