I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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