I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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