Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
