captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
My feet surprised me
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
