my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
