Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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